2 years and 5 months
Its has been 2 years and months since i last posted. Its has ben quite a while huh?..Alot happened these 2 years plus.
Today is a Staurday. As usual, my saturday is boring. So i decided to watch some old movie from my hard disk. I start switching from films to films. The last i am watching before i start blogging is 2010. I came across a scene where this old singer on board a cruise ship is trying to farewell his son on phone before his ship sink. Think he had an arugment with his son which left them not talking to each other for awhile. But before the son could answer, the place he is at is strucked by an earthquake, killing his whole family instantly. The old singer cried.
This scene make me understand something. I had recently fallen in love with a collegue. Actually i do not know how it happens. The feeling just came to me, sometime before chinese new year. I suddenly reliease that i miss her when i don't see her. Any topics i am having discussion with common friends, i will link it to her without failed. I had thought that after my previous failed confession 3 years back, i will not fall for anyone again. My heart feel so empty and yet cold and hard. I thought my heart cease to feel again. I thought that might be a good thing. At least i don't get hurt again.
So when i reliease what had happned, i am quite shock. Then came the trigger point of this whole thing. She told me she is changing department to further her career. I am happy for her to find a new job but at the same time i am scare. She is a very sociable person. She got lots of friends. Very family person. I am scare after she left we will drift apart. But how can we not? Thats what i am thinking at that time. She need to spend time with her family, her friends, new collegues and also her new job. How much time she had left for me. I also know about her past relationship. I ahd always guess from her reaction whenever we mentioned this relationship that she still like that guy. Even her password is still using his name even though she got plently of chance to change it. I ask her before about it but she denied saying that she is used to the password. so will changed when she when over to new department. I can bet with you she is still using this same password till date :). One thing i dun like about her is she is so good at denying.
I actually had confessed to her during the eve of her birthday. YUP..i know..bad timing.. I got scolding from friends when they heard about it. They told me "hey dude..wake up. You are not an idol arcting in a korean drama. You know have to say "I love you" everytime you like someone. The timing had to be right. And the timing you choose sucks. You just spolit her birthday mood, Idoit!!!" I really agreed to that comment at that time. But after today i think other wise. What is the good timing they are talking about? Who set this timing. Who decide if it is good? Is there a standard procedure for this?..haha..I don't think so right. I am thinking i had to tell her cos i might not get the chance again. What is the drifting aprt thingy happen? Can i still tell her that? What is sometime happen to her otr me and either of us pass on? How to tell at that time? Shouldn't we be truthful to our own feeling? Letting the other party knows?
I don't know if i am right but thats what i think at this point of time.....anyway, back to the story After i told her, she asked me 3 questions: When it happened? What I like about her? I am sure its like and not a crash? I am still thinking why she asked that 3rd question. Any meaning behind?...Anyway, i got rejected and things started to change. She told me reason been rejected is not because i am not good. Problems lies with her. She said that 80% is beacuse she wants to concentrate on her career. the rest is because of her ex.Whenever there is others in the office, she will only talk to them. When I am alone with her, she will suddenly be very busy with her iphone. Whenever i try to talked to her, her response will be very cold. 1 or 2 words the most,in the sofest tone that seem like she is not interested in the conversation. Even my other collegues asked if something is wrong cos they noticed that either of us will tried to leave the room when the other party is in the room. I did tied to ask her if i upset her (cos i am feeling low and thus i always seem unhappy). But she denied. I told her i got a different version of the rejection reason. I told her 10% is because she want to concentrate on her career cos i dun believe she is someone who can concentrate on only 1 things at a time. If not, she will not had started her relationship with her ex during schooling time. 20% is because she just don't have feeling for me. The balance is because she still like her ex and even at certain point of time she is hoping that one day they can get back together.This is because of her reaction. When her ex came to apply cards at our office, she said she don't want to go to the branch afraiding to bump into him cos she feel paiseh?..paiseh about what? The password also prove to be a point. When the ex appeared at her farewell party, i noticed he ex keep looking at her and she pretended that he is not there even when he actually talk to her. At first i am still thinking its becuse she is considering my feeling as i am there but it was loater proven to be not. She denied all. Haiz.
I only confirmed what i fear recently. I got to know about things that i should not have know through some means. From what I find out, its confirms what I guess is correct (but yet she deined). I really had a hard time digesting these. I don't even know how to be happy recently. Yesi laugh and joke when i am with them. But whenever i am alone, i can't force a smile onto my face and who really know that? Think i am alone to face all these. I am feeling so tired to pretend to be happy. How i wish i can just show how i really feels to the world. But i can't . I already let my emtion run wild once and the result is not good.
I really missed those days before i confessed. We talked and joked so much. She told and share with me so much things, happy or unhappy. She played with me, step on my shoes on purpose and i had to wrestle with her to step on her shoes back for revenge. We played prank on each other. I remembered once when she hide behind a wall to scare me when i walk out of the toilet. But whos knows another guy was walking infront me and so that guy got that scare from her.haha.
I really missed those days and i hate what it is happening now.I also hate the tears that is coming out of my eyes as i typed. I don't know if you get a chance to read all these. But if ever read these, i just want to say I really didn't expect things to turn out the ways as it is now. I am not saying I regret telling you how i feels cos i know if i can go back time i will still tell you. Its because this is what i am like.I will be truthful to how i feel when i am sure. I really hope things can be like what it is like in the past because we are both happy then....
People told me don't worry. Just 失恋 what. You are such a nice guy. She will have women like you. BUt i reliease that been a nice guy is just not enough cos you had to meet someone that will appreicate your nice. If nice is nice to the someone, then its not appealing factor. Its like what she told me before. I know you are a nice person. Always trying to help. But you should exercise control to this helpfulness cos people will think you had too much time on hand.....
Sometimes i feels that i just lack that "something" that make a gal will fall for you. Maybe is confident, ways i exercise my life....?Sometimes i just wonder if that guy up there ever plan someone for me. Maybe he just want to me to taste all possible failure and bring me back to him to tell me don't be so boastful and ungreatful in your next life (provided i am that kind of person in my previous life)
我不是每次失恋后都能重新再来....
Today is a Staurday. As usual, my saturday is boring. So i decided to watch some old movie from my hard disk. I start switching from films to films. The last i am watching before i start blogging is 2010. I came across a scene where this old singer on board a cruise ship is trying to farewell his son on phone before his ship sink. Think he had an arugment with his son which left them not talking to each other for awhile. But before the son could answer, the place he is at is strucked by an earthquake, killing his whole family instantly. The old singer cried.
This scene make me understand something. I had recently fallen in love with a collegue. Actually i do not know how it happens. The feeling just came to me, sometime before chinese new year. I suddenly reliease that i miss her when i don't see her. Any topics i am having discussion with common friends, i will link it to her without failed. I had thought that after my previous failed confession 3 years back, i will not fall for anyone again. My heart feel so empty and yet cold and hard. I thought my heart cease to feel again. I thought that might be a good thing. At least i don't get hurt again.
So when i reliease what had happned, i am quite shock. Then came the trigger point of this whole thing. She told me she is changing department to further her career. I am happy for her to find a new job but at the same time i am scare. She is a very sociable person. She got lots of friends. Very family person. I am scare after she left we will drift apart. But how can we not? Thats what i am thinking at that time. She need to spend time with her family, her friends, new collegues and also her new job. How much time she had left for me. I also know about her past relationship. I ahd always guess from her reaction whenever we mentioned this relationship that she still like that guy. Even her password is still using his name even though she got plently of chance to change it. I ask her before about it but she denied saying that she is used to the password. so will changed when she when over to new department. I can bet with you she is still using this same password till date :). One thing i dun like about her is she is so good at denying.
I actually had confessed to her during the eve of her birthday. YUP..i know..bad timing.. I got scolding from friends when they heard about it. They told me "hey dude..wake up. You are not an idol arcting in a korean drama. You know have to say "I love you" everytime you like someone. The timing had to be right. And the timing you choose sucks. You just spolit her birthday mood, Idoit!!!" I really agreed to that comment at that time. But after today i think other wise. What is the good timing they are talking about? Who set this timing. Who decide if it is good? Is there a standard procedure for this?..haha..I don't think so right. I am thinking i had to tell her cos i might not get the chance again. What is the drifting aprt thingy happen? Can i still tell her that? What is sometime happen to her otr me and either of us pass on? How to tell at that time? Shouldn't we be truthful to our own feeling? Letting the other party knows?
I don't know if i am right but thats what i think at this point of time.....anyway, back to the story After i told her, she asked me 3 questions: When it happened? What I like about her? I am sure its like and not a crash? I am still thinking why she asked that 3rd question. Any meaning behind?...Anyway, i got rejected and things started to change. She told me reason been rejected is not because i am not good. Problems lies with her. She said that 80% is beacuse she wants to concentrate on her career. the rest is because of her ex.Whenever there is others in the office, she will only talk to them. When I am alone with her, she will suddenly be very busy with her iphone. Whenever i try to talked to her, her response will be very cold. 1 or 2 words the most,in the sofest tone that seem like she is not interested in the conversation. Even my other collegues asked if something is wrong cos they noticed that either of us will tried to leave the room when the other party is in the room. I did tied to ask her if i upset her (cos i am feeling low and thus i always seem unhappy). But she denied. I told her i got a different version of the rejection reason. I told her 10% is because she want to concentrate on her career cos i dun believe she is someone who can concentrate on only 1 things at a time. If not, she will not had started her relationship with her ex during schooling time. 20% is because she just don't have feeling for me. The balance is because she still like her ex and even at certain point of time she is hoping that one day they can get back together.This is because of her reaction. When her ex came to apply cards at our office, she said she don't want to go to the branch afraiding to bump into him cos she feel paiseh?..paiseh about what? The password also prove to be a point. When the ex appeared at her farewell party, i noticed he ex keep looking at her and she pretended that he is not there even when he actually talk to her. At first i am still thinking its becuse she is considering my feeling as i am there but it was loater proven to be not. She denied all. Haiz.
I only confirmed what i fear recently. I got to know about things that i should not have know through some means. From what I find out, its confirms what I guess is correct (but yet she deined). I really had a hard time digesting these. I don't even know how to be happy recently. Yesi laugh and joke when i am with them. But whenever i am alone, i can't force a smile onto my face and who really know that? Think i am alone to face all these. I am feeling so tired to pretend to be happy. How i wish i can just show how i really feels to the world. But i can't . I already let my emtion run wild once and the result is not good.
I really missed those days before i confessed. We talked and joked so much. She told and share with me so much things, happy or unhappy. She played with me, step on my shoes on purpose and i had to wrestle with her to step on her shoes back for revenge. We played prank on each other. I remembered once when she hide behind a wall to scare me when i walk out of the toilet. But whos knows another guy was walking infront me and so that guy got that scare from her.haha.
I really missed those days and i hate what it is happening now.I also hate the tears that is coming out of my eyes as i typed. I don't know if you get a chance to read all these. But if ever read these, i just want to say I really didn't expect things to turn out the ways as it is now. I am not saying I regret telling you how i feels cos i know if i can go back time i will still tell you. Its because this is what i am like.I will be truthful to how i feel when i am sure. I really hope things can be like what it is like in the past because we are both happy then....
People told me don't worry. Just 失恋 what. You are such a nice guy. She will have women like you. BUt i reliease that been a nice guy is just not enough cos you had to meet someone that will appreicate your nice. If nice is nice to the someone, then its not appealing factor. Its like what she told me before. I know you are a nice person. Always trying to help. But you should exercise control to this helpfulness cos people will think you had too much time on hand.....
Sometimes i feels that i just lack that "something" that make a gal will fall for you. Maybe is confident, ways i exercise my life....?Sometimes i just wonder if that guy up there ever plan someone for me. Maybe he just want to me to taste all possible failure and bring me back to him to tell me don't be so boastful and ungreatful in your next life (provided i am that kind of person in my previous life)
我不是每次失恋后都能重新再来....
posted by Xiao Hui Yun at 8:59 AM
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